Reflection... and missing...

Ok, so I can still not believe it is April.  I mean holy crap, in a little over a month I realize that I have been a  college graduate for ONE year...  WOW!!!  I mean, I really cannot believe it.

So I have been debating a lot of things lately.  What do I truly want to to with my life?  Where do I want to be in  the future?  Who's important in my life?  How to get another job (and keep my museum job)?  All these questions have been bugging me for a while.  Last January, when I came back to school after winter break I had a major emotional break down; being home for a few weeks I was swamped with lots of questions: what am I going to do when I graduate, why am I not engaged, why have we not said "I love you," and all that jazz.  I was completely overwhelmed with emotions and just felt like I had no clue what was going on in my life.  Right now I feel the same way; but I really have no one I feel like I can turn to.  Last January, I was able to focus on the fact that: I was graduating in May, I knew I had a senior thesis paper to write, I was working fourteen hours a week at the gym (plus weekends), I was taking six classes a week (amounting to thirteen hours of class a week), and I knew I could talk to my grandmother whenever I wanted.

My wonderful Grandparents

Now that my grandmother is gone, I feel slightly lost.  I mean I am not saying my grandmother and I talked everyday, but I always knew I could tell her anything and she would try to help me out.  I still try to "talk" to her all the time, the same way I have with my grandfather since he died when I was in 6th grade.  I especially miss her, probably more than I miss my grandfather (which is pretty interesting).  I have missed my grandfather, more in memory than real life; since by the time he died I was only in 6th grade, so I was not able to get to know him too much nor experience a lot with him.  I realize that I am super jealous of all my family members who got to spend more time with my grandfather than I did (I know that is selfish, but I do not care).


So on my "questions of life" and my need to figure out an answer.
1. The "where I want to be in the future" is simple, France.  I have always loved France and the french language.  I want to live in France for a while, not as part of a school program or just for a few weeks; no, I want to live there.  Not forever, but for awhile.
2. The "what do I truly want to do with my life" is a good question.  I love my job in the museum, but to advance in the museum life I have to go get a Masters in Museum studies; yet I do not have enough money to go to graduate school and my mother will no longer fund for my schooling.  Also, I mean I have no idea what I truly what to do with my life.  I mean I realize I am 23, turning 24 in September; but I have no idea what I want to do with my life, not really a clue.  I have decided that I might go to the University of Richmond and into their School of Continuing Studies to get a Paralegal Certificate, since I already have a Bachelors of Art in History.
3. The "how to get another job" is a major problem.  I have been applying to jobs; preferable full-time, but I will take whatever.  I mean, I have applied for retail jobs and still not gotten anywhere.  And I get frustrated when I have to talk to my mother about job hunting, but she makes me feel incompetent and worthless (sorry Mom for the outing, but it's true).  So, part of the job hunt is telling me to get my butt moving and go to graduate school.
4. The "who is important in my life" is a double edged sword, since I have no idea.  I mean on Facebook, I have 947 "friends."  I mean, do I truly know 947 friends?  I understand that a lot of my family members are on Facebook, and I have a bunch listed (however, not all of them - and if you are a family member and not listed on Facebook, I am super sorry).  Also, since I watch a lot of wedding shows, I wonder how exactly would I "pick" my bridesmaids?  I understand that there are some people who do know like eleven friends who will be their bridesmaids, but also I understand that some people feel like they deserve to be in a friend's wedding because that friend was in theirs (that is truly a double edged sword).  However, I plan to elope so that I do not have to "pick" bridesmaids.  Also, how exactly do you determine who is important or not?  I mean, I understand that people who are abusive or mean should not stick around; but what about everyone else?  I mean, I know I had friends who I am no longer "close" to, but it is still nice to "stalk" (in a sense) and see what they are up to.

On to better notes...

I realize that April 1st was April Fools days.  And in previous years I have pulled pranks, mostly to get friends and my mother.  Junior year of college, Kenneth and I "broke up" for April fools; and my mother was worried about why I did not tell her, and had to discuss with co-workers about why I did not tell her that morning when I talked to her.  I did this year think about doing an April fools joke on my mother and friends; about Kenneth and I getting engaged.  However, I was a little slow on the up and up; so it did not work.  I mean, I do not have a fake engagement ring; but I have my grandmother's wedding band that I wear with my great-grandmother's wedding band on a necklace every day.

I kiss the rings every time I take the necklace on or off, in memory of them and how much I am lucky to have such amazing family treasures.  These rings have so much sentimental value and I feel honored to have them both.

My great-grandmother's ring is from Tiffany's, and is engraved with "Stevens - Haley, June 30th 1909"

My grandmother's ring is engraved with "LHH - LBD 11-2-46"